This isn’t the first time I’ve talked about wanting to be healed of everything wrong with me. I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact there were things broken in me before my accident, and God is doing a mighty work to mend my heart through this healing process. Part of that is facing some emotional trauma from when I was in high school. Rather than writing here last week about my physical recovery, I chose to sit down and write a verbal acknowledgement of some of the hurtful things in my past that both I did and were done to me. I hit 10,000 words in four days. I slowed down a little after that, but I’m at 13,000 and still going strong.
Obviously, that’s not going to be posted here. However, there’s an important connection between that emotional healing and my current physical recovery. Both actually require a lot of emotional energy which affects my physical condition. I’ve dealt with a lot of the terrible things I said and did in high school, but there are still lingering effects that I’ve done my best to repress. Actually, I did a pretty good job of repressing them for a decade, but this physical recovery has brought them back to the forefront of my mind. I know I’m not the same self-centered, short-sighted poor communicator that I was at sixteen, but I still deal with a lot of lingering shame related to who I once was and how I once behaved. I really benefit from affirmations of who I am today rather than the accusations that haunt me of who I once was.
I always intend to keep you updated on my holistic recovery – that’s mostly a look at the emotional side. The comments I’ve received from people about my improved walking since returning to school are significant though. It’s consistent across the board that people are noticing a difference. I’m using the walker a lot more, and that allows me to go longer distances because I have the option of sitting down if I need to. I can also carry my bag to school without having someone bring it along with the wheelchair, so I have a new independence coming and going to work. I still have plenty of dependence on others, and I’m learning to find the balance in asking for help when I need it and using the capabilities that I have.
On that note, I need your help. I need a store of affirmation for when those accusations creep into my mind. A comment here, an email, a postcard to my house or to me at the school. It sounds really selfish to ask, but I have to. Writing out and reflecting on who I was really pulled me down to a dark place, and I need help to stay out of there.
