This one snuck up on me.
But I’ve also seen it coming for a while.
I’ve been really intentional with this day for the past three years, marking it with good things that are central in my growth as a person and relationships that I value deeply. This year, I was delighted to discover my traumaversary would fall on the bi-weekly meeting of my Anglican family group. Every other Thursday, I gather with three other couples (two other couples are not in Kandern this year), and we share a meal and read the Bible together. People who know me well know reading the Bible out loud is one of my favorite activities, so doing that tonight with six of my close friends was the best way to mark this important date in my life. I share life with these people, and they treat me as a whole person. We talked about the New Zealand opportunity, and I heard about updates in their lives. We read Matthew 9-10 this week, and I loved encountering Jesus as the powerful healer in the stories.
I’ve been healed powerfully, and I anticipate more good things in my life from this Good Healer. I won’t stop asking to walk again and have the normal bodily functions return. Trust me, I’m desperate for that. I woke up in my own filth this morning thanks to nerve damage, but I also showered off and washed my sheets and gave a final exam to my precious students. Something about the apostle Paul’s “I can do all things” sentiment resonates more deeply in light of the list of things I accomplished today.
I also accomplished an amazing feat yesterday, but before I wow you, let me remind you that four years ago today I was told there was a 99% chance I’d never walk again. Okay, let that sink in before you read the next paragraph: 99% chance of never walking again.
Yesterday at physio, I walked barefoot on a treadmill going a steady pace for nearly a minute. I’m estimating the time because it felt like a full hour to me, but I know that’s just not possible. Realistically, it was something like a solid minute spread out over a couple stints between which I had to sit down and have a drink of water. Anja told me after that I did better than she’d even expected, but we were both so excited at how well I managed in spite of my poor balance and wobbly ankles.
My friend Brandi drove me home after physio, and when she dropped me off, I was reflecting with her some of the emotions I had about today. I said something really profound, and I wish I’d written it down because it’s going to come out hollow here now. I was saying something about how I still don’t really understand myself as disabled, and I’m still processing how to deal with this huge shift in understanding myself while also still improving physically and maturing in my faith. The powerful statement was something like, “This didn’t change who I was, it deepened me into more of who God made me to be.” Again, it came out really naturally and beautifully in the car last night, so you’ll just have to get the gist of it and pretend I’m writing it eloquently even though it’s coming out clunky right now.
I’ll stick by that sentiment and thank God for the powerful maturing work that is still ongoing in my heart and body.
