“The saying is trustworthy, for ‘if we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless he remains faithful’ for he cannot deny himself.” (2 Timothy 2:11-13)
Last night involved four exceptionally emotional hours. At one point, I wanted to shout that it had been the four most emotional hours of my life, but I immediately recognized the idiocy of such a hyperbole. It hadn’t even been the four most emotional hours of the last year. I just lead an emotionally charged life. It’s delightful. And exhausting.
Around 5pm last evening, I had still yet to hear from my insurance about whether or not they were going to cover my Botox treatment. I’m a little vain when it comes to my kidneys, so I wanted this treatment done as quickly as possible to avoid possible kidney damage or failure. I decided to call the insurance and hurry things along if at all possible. I spoke to a nice man on the phone who calmly explained to me that the case that I’d begun in request for this treatment in late November had been stopped at the end of the year because of a paperwork oversight when my policy was renewed on January 1st. I’d assumed the whole thing was still in process for the last ten days, but was a little concerned to hear that not only had they stopped processing the paperwork, they seemed to have misplaced the fax from my urologist with the information indicating this is a critical treatment. The nice man told me he’d pass on the information to the medical team for approval, and since he knew the procedure was scheduled for the following morning, he agreed to try to email or call me with an update at a reasonable hour so I could go to sleep knowing where they were in the process.
As one might assume, my anxiety levels were starting to increase when I realized this procedure was just sixteen hours away and I was not sure what my insurance would decide. Through the few days before, I had Paul’s encouragement in 2 Timothy 1:7 running through my head – I’m not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. Fear has no place in my life. Perfect love casts out fear. I also had the lyrics to Phil Wickham’s song “True Love” running through my head. I tried to fill my head with these happy encouragements rather than with fear or anxiety. After the phone call with the insurance, I needed something to distract me from the fear, so I called a couple friends. Jordyne was such an encouragement to me as I word vomited all of my feelings from the past hour. We continued to talk for a while, and I mentioned I needed to read the passage where Paul encouraged his young disciple that we do not have a spirit of fear. I read aloud 2 Timothy chapter one to Jordyne and go so excited, I kept going on to chapter two. I don’t know why I don’t read 2 Timothy every day. It’s fantastic. That book is pure gold.
Paul told us that when we are faithful to Christ, he is faithful, but when we become faithless, CHRIST IS FAITHFUL. It’s so exciting. I’m writing this next to my precious Mikah who does not yet get how exciting this is, but I promised I’d explain it to her. Christ cannot change who he is. When I am faithless, when I mess up, when I don’t live the right way, Christ stays true to who he is. He remains faithful. When my insurance messes up paperwork. When I have to get botox injections. When I break my back. When I fail at life for any reason that is related to me or not. Christ is faithful for he cannot deny himself.
I got off the call with Jordyne and still had no news, so I spent some time chatting with Desiree and Carol before finally getting an email from the insurance that told me my treatment was approved. I was so excited and texted everyone I’d been talking to through the day about it. Just half an hour later, my friend Helen stopped by to check in on me as she knew I was waiting to hear. I invited her in and spent an elated half hour rejoicing with her about how the Lord has been faithful. Regardless of my actions, he is faithful to me.
This morning, I got out of bed bright and early and headed to Basel with Carol – still celebrating my faithful God. We were greeted by the cheerful urology technicians and they helped me onto the table after I passed on the insurance confirmation to them. We laughed a little as they prepped me for this procedure, and chatted amicably as they inserted the IV to help me drift to sleep. I waited for the meds to kick in and started singing “True Love” to myself softly. The urologist came in; I felt a little poke. I might have said ow. They asked if I was alright; I said yes and kept singing. They kept poking then told me it was over. I was transferred to a bed and allowed to chill for half an hour before they told me I was free to go if I felt alright.
That’s it?
All this stress and anxiety over a couple tiny pricks that I was too drowsy to really notice? How delightful. Carol settled into a comfy chair in the lobby while I headed upstairs to see which of my favorite nurses were on duty. All of them were. Well, most of them. Sabrina wasn’t. But I got to see Danai, Eva, Anna, and Marion who are all at the top of my list. I was so excited to chat with them for a minute, and Danai has promised to come visit me in Kandern. I even got a bonus getting to see Isabelle, my OT, and Tina, another patient who I met during my stay, who was there for a minor issue. It kept getting better – Jo showed up because he knew I was going to be there and hung out with me for a little bit of his morning.
God gives such good gifts. These people are all in my life due to horrible tragedy, but I was so excited to see them today. There’s still more to my day though because after stopping at Starbucks, Carol and I made our way to the Uni Hospital where I had my surgery in order to have a check in with my surgeon – the woman who told me I’d never walk again. She was beaming as I walked down the corridor to her office and told me she was delighted at the progress I’ve made over the past year. I brightly told her that someday I’d be walking without the sticks. “You’ll have to come walk by me if that happens,” she said with a smile. I intend to.
After the visit with Dr. Netzer, Carol and I headed back home with an extra special treat. My precious Mikah is staying with me for a few days while she’s adventuring in Europe. My precious Mikah is one of my former youth group students, one of the reasons I left America. I’m so blessed to spend some time with her sharing life with her and praising Jesus with her. Three years ago, my precious Mikah and her friends made it clear to me that I needed to take some risks to learn more about Jesus, and I’m so grateful for the catalyst they have been. When Mikah or her friends, when my students or anyone else look at my life, I want the faithful Jesus to be seen. When I am faithless, he is faithful.
And that isn’t the end of the story. This faithful God who cannot deny himself has made a way for beauty to come from the ashes of my unfaithfulness. He has made a way for me to have relationship with him. He has made a way through True Love. “Search your heart, you know you can’t deny it. Lose your life just so you can find it. The Father gave his only Son just to save us.”
