“Hold your left arm out like walking on a tight rope.”
Cindy held my right arm secure as she instructed me and I took timid steps forwards. This week we spent several days again practicing without the sticks taking cautious steps with my braces and her arms for support. We paced up and down the auditorium, and I couldn’t help grinning as I felt my gait adjust as I was holding more weight over my legs and less on my arms.
“Look over my shoulder; keep your head up.”
As I adjusted accordingly, even more weight left the arms in my cautious steps. I still wobbled quite a bit, but the excitement only increased as I realized I was walking significantly better than my normal hunched gait. Each day, Cindy held on and offered suggestions as I pushed myself to not only walk more but walk better. There’s a balance between quantity and quality. Obviously, I want both, but it’s so important to focus on the quality as I increase speed or distance.
I still remember in REHAB when Alex told me that if I was 80, she’d be okay with low quality walking because I wouldn’t live much longer, but with the significantly longer life expectancy, walking poorly would lead to a quick return to the wheelchair after some brief years hobbling about. Instead, my goal is a slow and steady improvement that will allow for the longest time out of the chair once I achieve that. That means a lot more focus on good walking and recognizing when I’m too tired to keep walking well.
I also have to balance my physical recovery with the rest of my life. Yes, though it’s largely composed of teenagers and theology, I have a life, and I love it. This week I listened to Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s The Cost of Discipleship on audiobook as I practiced standing and stretching and doing various tasks around my house. I highly recommend it to anyone because Bonhoeffer was a man who understood deeply what it meant to follow Jesus when it wasn’t easy. I’ve got a few articles by Miroslav Wolf lined up to read next in my ongoing pursuit of thoughtful theodicy, and as I balance my understanding of theology with my experience of disability, I find my passion for Jesus increases.
Jesus is the one that steadies me when all the other stuff in my life makes me wobble. There are a lot of things I manage to do with some measure of dignity – get dressed, go to work, laugh with students, make pico de gallo – all while in a wheelchair, and, yes, those things take careful planning sometimes because of the wheelchair. I’m still learning how to balance life’s activities, but, praise the Lord, I’m improving.
