Emotional Whiplash

Friday afternoon felt like it took a decade of my life in stress as I opened a “letzte mahnung” from the wheelchair company with the collections stamp glaring at me. It was a final warning dated ten days after my insurance EOB says they made the wire payment. I found someone who agreed to stop by after I was done with lessons to call the Swiss company and clarify the problem before calling my insurance and yelling my head off at them.

I spent the next few hours on the verge of a panic attack until Nigel finally got the nice Swiss lady on the phone and heard it was a bill sent in error and my wheelchair is, in fact, properly paid in full.

Lissy was in for the afternoon and sat with me while my adrenaline levelled out. I had already ranted to another student who happened to stop in my classroom during her lunch. There were so many emotions rehashed from moments previous in this struggle to get the wheelchair approved and paid. Some of you may remember my angry post from weeks ago when the insurance mucked up majorly and led to a great deal of emotional stress for me then as well.

Stress can be healthy and motivating, but it’s really, really hard sometimes. It’s especially difficult in my life when my trauma and stress is the direct result of someone else being stubborn or lazy or inefficient or whatever. I hate bearing the negative consequences of other people’s actions.

Sometimes there isn’t a person to blame though, and my IT band compensation patterns are no one’s fault, so I’ll somehow sit with this gift that there are people in my life who go out of their way to help relieve the impact of nerve damage. Anja’s at the top of the list, and while it is her job to help me, she’s a champion of meeting me where I’m at each week, and she dug into the sore leg and worked out stress and knots on Wednesday afternoon that had built up for quite a while. I’ve been doing good walking on my treadmill, and I’m still hopeful for continual progress, but I wouldn’t make it much farther without those check points where Anja helps my hurting muscles or challenges new growth when discovering what function is returning.

I also have my incredible friend Terrae who gave me pure gold – she passed on a special essential oil lotion that’s designed to help with muscle spasms that I’ve started using before bed to help me sleep better. Two nights in might not be long enough for a scientific sample, but I’m sold.

There may be moments where I feel really upset about my shortcomings and physical limitations, but the back and forth I’ve had in my head and my body this week reminded me that uncertainty is part of life. I can try all I want to plan things out, but there will always be an unforeseen variable. Often that variable is the Holy Spirit. Often that change in plans is for my ultimate good, but in the moment of stress, I don’t always see that.

Ultimately, I ended this week with more things resolved than not. It would take too long to chronicle all the little things, but I’m stepping into this week prepared for the unexpected as much as I can be.

Aslan is on the move.

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