From the in Between

I really didn’t want to write a post this week. Today is Easter, and I love this celebration of my risen saviour, but I don’t want to write a sermon on my blog. I started blogging regularly when I had people who wanted to hear updates on my physical recovery, and now my posts that get most views are related to tattoos… what is this place about?

Currently my right foot hurts. It’s annoying, and I don’t like it. I also don’t feel a need to complain about it; sharing it is just an honest response. Yet I have to deal with people offering me apologies when they hear my foot hurts. When in the last eight years has something in the lower half of my body not hurt? There hasn’t been a single second.

So here I am with the tension of celebrating the happiest day in history and the present reality of my nerve damage. I’m in between; I’m both/and emotionally. I thought about just posting a poem from my collection titled Between People and Trees because I didn’t want to write something in this state and that whole collection is about the tension between beauty and brokenness. I chose instead to write this disjointed reflection to tell you that I’m really, really happy I was able to renew my baptismal vows at the all ages morning service my European church had this morning while I miss the experience I once had of dancing in pigtails and pajamas at the children’s Easter morning service at my church in North America. I hate the current pain curling my ankle and snaking up my leg, but I look forward to my future healing with great joy and anticipation.

Sometimes I get really disheartened when I speak of my future hope of walking and people say, “Why don’t you just ask God to let you fly while you’re at it.” I get sad when people tell me I’m selfish for focusing on my own restoration when I should be content with the function that I have. But today is Easter, and the church rejoices with me that God has the power to make things right – to restore function to my broken body and give my heart the grace to love those who hurt me. I’m not ashamed to keep asking for restoration of nerve function: the whole book of Acts recounts the Holy Spirit showing up to do just that all over the place in the name of Jesus. The Jesus who rose from the dead.

Let’s stir each other up to good works, and before I get started on my love for Hebrews 10, I’ll ask you to hold some tension for the in between emotions as you set out to love others today. May the God of all Healing grant us each the grace to see the beauty while we do our part to repair the brokenness we can.

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