I Broke… Again

I had a different plan for this week… for this year… for my life. The Lord laughs at my plans.

I was talking to Givorgy on the phone earlier today and lamenting some really heavy stuff I’ve shouldered for a while – and I broke. It’s tied up in the three months of sleep deprivation, it’s tied up in the mistakes and assumptions of others, it’s tied up in my own imperfect humanity. I teared up and came really close to weeping. I still might full on cry later today – which for those who know me know that’s super, duper rare.

Thanks to the wisdom of others, I’m sharing here of my scars not my wounds, and this is not the time to give all the details of the hurt I’m going through. I can say that I’m working hard to have healing. I’ve called my mentor and my counselor and my best friend this past week, and I’ve got a call with my spiritual director tomorrow. I’m working hard to “keep a clear conscience before God” and to “say nothing evil or hurtful; snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all [I’m] worth” and a whole lot of other advice from 1 Peter 3 – I want to bless because that’s my job, and if with heart and soul I’m doing good, can I really be stopped? I know my strength comes from the Lord, and I’m super grateful to be in a position to still be able to go to school and see my precious students each day and to have conversations with them in the classroom and in passing about how we can all love Jesus better in light of so many uncertainties and stresses.

To be clear, I’m doing okay despite not being able to share the details behind my current stressors. Isaiah 40:31 has been a huge encouragement to me this week. I may be depleted in my own strength, but I wait for the Lord who renews my strength, and I will run and not be weary. However, since I’m not able to give a lot of story or context, I can offer this poem from a couple weeks ago. I promise you Maggie’s future biography of me will explain the series this poem comes in with beautiful detail. I hope the words can be an encouragement to you today on their own.

For Action

I was told not to move

This isn’t a game

You’re supposed to go first

You get the fame

I saw the picture

Of you with bare feet

You’re covering your eyes

Step into peace

I smashed the strongholds

Chains fell away

You have vision and freedom

And don’t have to stay

I can’t force your hand

Speaking in abstraction

You won’t be manipulated

Into any action

To end on a lighter note, Veronica and I made cookies and hung out with Lauren and Moe yesterday to celebrate the American care package we received. I share with you here “my skills of an artist.” I’m super proud, and shout out to anyone who recognizes my Homestar Runner throwback.

Please take some time today to thank God for Trogdor the Burninator and for my chance to have friends who love me. Please also take a moment to pray for my sleep and for the hurts I’m hoping to see healed in my community. Life is messy, and in my particulars there’s a lot going on. I know in general in the world there’s still a lot to take your attention. Let me know how I can pray for you in your particulars as we all lift up the hurts of the nations and seek to alleviate the suffering of the oppressed.

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