Knowing I like to avoid crying in public, Hannah got all up in my face last Sunday night and told me, “Just because you carry it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.” Not that I actually care what you think of me, but I did keep from crying in that moment. Barely.
While I’m pretty transparent posting online with a lot of my obvious struggles (housing, walking), I’m also a pretty private person, so it’s not like I’m announcing my housing crisis in every conversation or that I have to make all interactions with me end with attention on my disability. Lots of people around me aren’t even aware of my housing crisis or the level of difficulty my disability daily includes.
I say that as an important preface about comparison of capacity. I do my job well. I work really hard to do it. I also do some stuff that’s inconvenient because it’s for the kingdom and it’s worth it. It’s not paid time or part of the job. It’s for Jesus. I work with an incredible team of volunteers who give of their time, some of them quite sacrificially.
In fact, some of them incredibly sacrificially. I have multiple stories of youth leaders going above and beyond, but they don’t make a fuss about it to the rest of the team, and even their youth don’t always realise the sacrifices made on their behalf. I also have encountered people who do the bare minimum. They love Jesus and give from their excess. It’s not about comparison though.
Matt and I were talking the other day about how I want to encourage each leader to develop their heart, to become more like Jesus, and to stop comparing themselves to the capacity our output of other leaders. I really love working with Matt; he’s got incredible capacity for kingdom ministry, and he does work sacrificially. However, what I am most grateful about in working with Matt is that he loves Jesus and wants me to love Jesus more and wants others to love Jesus more too. That’s my motivation in doing all this hard stuff. I’ve seen incredible things happen in the name of Jesus, and while I’m also seeing lots of youth and leaders struggle with hardship, I’m confident God is still at work. I’m confident that I shouldn’t give up.
I’ve been deep in the Psalms this week, and while I don’t have enemies trying to kill me like David did, I do have reason to cry out to God in crisis. I’m annoyed that I got sick this weekend because it kept me from working. (I also missed a wedding and church because I’m sneezing, have a pounding headache, and a sore throat.) Being sick did give me time to be present with the Lord and to pray over my leaders. I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be on this team, and I want my leaders to value the experience as it builds them up and makes them closer to Jesus too.
I want the same for my young people.
There’s no competition for who has it toughest; that’s not the point. There is, however, a race for me to outdo myself in loving Jesus and growing to be more like him. My learning this week was on how do I continue to model well the lifestyle of sacrificial service that is not a trajectory of burnout but a joy-filled way to serve in the name of Jesus. I’ll admit there were a few moments where I got annoyed with people who made my life more difficult, but I did my best to put those situations at the feet of Jesus so that my service would not be conditional or sprout any bitterness. I have learned to avoid the path of burnout, but I think in the fear of that path, lots of people miss out on the abundance that comes when you sacrificially serve a God of no limits. When I’m so stuck in a scarcity mindset, I miss out on bigger opportunities.
I’m fine tuning some elements of my ministry and thinking through what’s best to lean into while adjusting commitments in other places, but another reason I love working with Matt is that he helped me learn early on not to just cut something because it seems hard or beyond my ability – because both are probably true – but I have the capacity of a generous church to leverage who are capable of far more than I can do on my own. Even when that church is filled with a bunch of other people who think they could medal in the Pain Olympics. When we all put our attention on the goal God sets before us and run with endurance what’s marked out, miracles can happen.
