I had an idea for a post last week related to my anger at a state mandated substance abuse counsellor who lives in the midwest that would be a stand in for my anger at a few people who have been careless with positions of power over vulnerable people I care about, but I literally could feel my blood pressure rise when I thought about this guy, so I had to shelve it.
Instead, I’m going to focus on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy.
I had a lot of rough to deal with this week – including the fallout of other people’s bad choices as well as a disappointing, expensive, and inconvenient house viewing that was advertised as wheelchair accessible but had such a narrow door to the bathroom I literally could not fit my wheelchair through it. The lovely in that viewing? I wheeled down the road to the closest coffee shop and found myself across the street from the preschool where my friend’s toddler hangs out. I saw the back of his head in the window and smiled, pulling out my phone to text his mum that I caught a glimpse of the little cutie. Then, by the grace of God, he turned around and saw me. He banged on the window and waved. It was lovely. It was pure. It made my day.
Then I went to the cafe and was honest with God about the disappointments of that day in conjunction with some other things. Both things are true.
Today I got up early and headed to Burwood for a bladder Botox appointment. Most of you know (or can guess) this is not a pleasant experience. I really miss the Swiss system where I got my favourite nap of the year as they put me under for the whole procedure, and I laughed with the Swiss nurses who I got to know over the years and practiced our second languages together while making jokes about incontinence and culture. To be fair, I think only kind people with a good sense of humour go into the field of urology, and I really have enjoyed getting to know a couple of the nurses at the spinal unit here in New Zealand.
I also had the joy of chatting with two students who were participating and observing in my procedure today, and as a former teacher, I never turn students away when asked if they can observe my medical stuff. The one intern was apologetic as her first attempt at the numbing gel was misapplied. I laughed as it was not going to have any negative affect, and I’d specifically asked for them to do it this time because they had me try it on my own in the bathroom last time, and I had made an absolute mess of it. With a little help from the other nurse during her second attempt, she finally managed to apply the gel in the correct area of my body, and I was left alone for twenty-ish minutes for it to take effect. I laid there in the brightly lit room and thought of all those nice naps in Switzerland.
Honestly, I get why they don’t put people under here. It really is overkill. The procedure is like five minutes. Of pain. Of stabbing never numbed enough pain. But then, like, I can hop off the bed and go to work. Theoretically. I used to go in to teach after sleeping off the stuff in Switzerland. I expected to bus into work after the procedure this morning. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel great when I got off the bed, and I also didn’t feel particularly emotionally strong enough to deal with the side effects anywhere other than near my bed. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, and I’ll fully admit being a wimp who prefers a good nap to the video screen view of my bladder, but I also just kinda want to deal with the possible bleeding and burning sensation on my own without being around people. (I’ll just post about it on the internet where most of my coworkers read it anyways – I love you guys.) So I’m posting this preparing to curl up into the foetal position and hydrate to help flush my system and hopefully not wet the bed.
I’m so incredibly grateful for my life. As I pondered whether to tough it up and go to work, I was texting a Spoonie friend about All The Things To Deal With from this week, and she was super encouraging of me to rest my body. Then I had this moment that got me super emotional where I remembered my coworkers care about me, and they don’t want me to push myself beyond my limits. They want me to be holistically healthy. Wild. That’s true, and right, and praiseworthy.
Thank you, Jesus, that I have a job that I love that allows me to do my best and honour my limits. Also there was sunshine in the garden at Burwood today. It was cold so I didn’t go outside, but it was beautiful so I took a picture.
